User Profile

i like to collect lj avatars (there are some really talented and funny people out there!) and mess around with the interests section. i don't make journal entries much 'cause nobody ever reads those.

last updated: 2/6/2008.

as for who i am, well, if you want to know, i'm a frumpy, underconfident, socially anxious introvert going to cal state la in an attempt to become an elementary school teacher. i have trouble making friends, and i'm not entirely sure why. i think people judge me negatively because i am not particularly good-looking, and i am very shy and quiet a lot of the time. students around me seem to talk only about partying, drinking, fashion, sports, their kids, or their jobs as teaching assistants. but i'm not into wild parties, i don't drink much, i wish no one cared about fashion (a lot of it is ridiculous anyway), i'm not into sports, i don't have kids, and i didn't realize that everyone in the teaching program would already have a job as a teaching assistant. i don't know what to talk about with people, and while i feel somewhat pressured to try to get a job as a teaching assistant, i'm overwhelmed with school as it is and i don't think i could handle a job at the same time.

as for my family life, well, that's nice and dysfunctional, too. my parents divorced when i was 8. we tried joint custody for a while, but going back and forth while each side bad-mouthed the other was really difficult, and every time i would go to my dad's, everyone would guilt trip me about why i didn't visit them more often, and eventually i quit visiting them altogether. my dad and my mom are both remarried now, so the family i once had is officially no longer in existence. i feel like i don't belong anywhere. i am holding on to the dream of one day meeting several friends i have had online for many years, but most are younger than i am, and far away, so it will take some time before we will have the opportunity to try to move in together and create a sort of family of our own.

as of right now i live with my mom, stepdad (who has OCD, heart problems, and a horrible temper), sister rachel (she is 4 years younger than i am, was in special ed all her life, tried to go to community college for a while, failed everything, and now she sits at home doing nothing all day, every day; none of us knows what to do with her), and half-sister who is a blonde brat with a huge sense of entitlement. she routinely, cruelly insults rachel, has spoken disdainfully about community college (which my mother and i both attended). she is into fashion and socializing and is basically the polar opposite of who i am. i don't like her at all. others like her because, among other things, she got into cornell. she's a high school senior and she's good at math, like my mom. since scholarly achievement matters more than being a nice person, people like her. my stepdad routinely finds things to get angry about, and once he punched a hole through the microwave. his daughter (the blonde brat) is as antagonistic as he is, and does not shy away from arguments, and always feels she is right. so pretty much every weekend (the only time they are both home), there are shouting matches. i escape to my bf's apartment on most weekends, to avoid all the fights here at home.

for a while, i wanted to become a jehova's witness (my whole dad's side of the family are witnesses), but it seemed like my mother would disown me if i pursued that, so i decided to put it on hold until i was an adult and could move out. so far, i have the adult part down (technically/legally, anyway, if not psychologically or emotionally) but not the financial ability to move out. i currently no longer want to become a jehova's witness, but that is part of the reason i have not seen or spoken to anyone on my dad's side of the family for years. they are all witnesses and despite the fact that many people conclude that i am a saint, my witness relatives would probably be disappointed in me if they knew everything about me. jehova's witnesses are against voting, so i wasn't even registered until a few weeks ago (as of 2/6/2008, the day i am writing this). i figured, i'm not a witness now, and i don't think i want to become one anymore, so why continue to abide by some of their beliefs that don't necessarily make sense to me? also, this election seems more historically significant than any of the others that have taken place since i turned 18. however, i am still really confused by politics, and i've been so overwhelmed trying to get everything for school taken care of that i never got around to researching all the candidates and propositions (plus, my mom laughed at me when she found out i had registered to vote), so i ended up not voting in the feb 5 primary. i tried to talk to a few people about the candidates and issues, but the people i asked were either unwilling or unable to talk to me about any specific facts or policies espoused by candidates.

i went to community college for 7 years after high school because i didn't know what i wanted to do careerwise. finally, i realized that all along, i have wanted to be a teacher, but i had been holding myself back, telling myself i wasn't smart enough. finally i realized that i should just try, and if i am not good enough, i will not make it through school and i will not ever be hired. theoretically, anyway, right?

i met my bf when i was 22 (i am now 26). nothing and no one else has ever made me want to continue existing more than he does. super unhealthy, i know. we were great for 3 years, until july 1, 2007, when he said we should see other people. i did not take what he said literally; i thought he was dumping me and just trying to word it in a nice way. i went on okcupid and met 2 guys there; the first was not interested once he saw me in person. the second was, but it took me two months to realize stuff would not work out with him. so far i am mostly/sort of back together with my original bf, but our status is still kinda up in the air. i guess it's fine, i mean, i am not ready to get married anytime soon, if ever.

i'm frustrated 'cause a lot of my classes/professors are very unclear. i swear, clarity is a skill that people hardly ever mention, but it's so essential. well, people just get by without ever understanding anything a lot of the time, i think. you just parrot back what the teacher said and you pass. so my classes are often either unclear or they're just beating me over the head with stuff i already know. so how is it that i still feel like i know nothing? maybe it's just my lack of confidence. sigh. i want to teach kids stuff they want to know. i remember being in 2nd grade and wanting so badly to understand the news on tv, but we had to read stories about frog and toad in school instead. don't get me wrong, i love frog and toad, but my friends and i agree that the way public school currently waits until 10th or 11th grade to teach world history is idiotic. and it was frustrating that half the kids in my classes already knew a ton about current events around the world because.. why? their parents didn't leave their kids' education up to the public school system, i guess. i don't really want to just spend all day talking about how half of an orange = 1/2 of the whole orange. i think we don't push our kids enough. they are capable of learning a lot more than what we ask of them. i think we hold back some students just because others in the class lag behind. it's frustrating.

Friends (5):

Mutual Friends (3):